


A Two is a Two is a Two

by alissabobissa



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-16
Updated: 2011-10-16
Packaged: 2017-10-24 16:08:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/265407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alissabobissa/pseuds/alissabobissa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Brother Twos, Swimmers in the Stream of Life, Walkers and Seers of God’s Path, welcome to this week’s River service!”</p><p>The Twos and their worship of Kara Thrace.  Complete and utter crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Two is a Two is a Two

**Author's Note:**

> Set sometime during S4's 'Six of One' before Natalie's little mutiny.

_River Service of the Twos:  
Mandatory Model Meeting and Pot Luck_

_Be prepared to discuss our current crisis,_  
to vote on this month’s  
Brethren Newsletter cover,  
and to praise God.

 _Don’t forget to bring a food dish and we, your Two_  
Brothers, know we’ll see you there!  
We’ve seen it – we’ve seen all your paths!

A Two folded the meeting flyer and put it in his pocket. His red shiny shirt rubbed uncomfortably against his side and he momentarily questioned his choice of wardrobe. Another Two, wearing a patterned shirt and a cargo vest, stepped in front of him and passed through the entrance to the conference room. Too many of his brothers would be wearing a similar outfit, so he was glad to stand out a bit.  He had indeed selected the correct attire. Smiling to himself, he followed the other Two into the room.

As he took his seat amongst the droves of blonde heads and same handsome faces, the assembly quickly became quiet and focused its attention on the Two dressed in black, making his way up to the podium on the platform in the front of the room.

“Brother Twos, Swimmers in the Stream of Life, Walkers and Seers of God’s Path, welcome to this week’s River service!” The Two in black smiled and raised his hands palms up, in ceremony. The audience clapped in response. “We have a lot on the agenda today – many serious topics to discuss and make decisions about, many reasons to praise the Almighty, and a bountiful pot luck feast to get to! – so let’s get started right away. I’m your Two representative to the Model Congress, TYTEOMMO #173.” He stretched out his hands again and the other Twos stood. “May I have the blessing of speaking our will to the others?”

“Our will is yours, Two Yet To Encounter Our Most Magnificent One, Number 173,” the audience said in unison. They raised their hands to the ceiling for a moment, the standard response, and sat back down.

“Thank you, brothers.” The Two in black paused, took a deep breath and held up a rectangular piece of paper. “This is our agenda, and item one is possibly the most important, most critical thing we’ll need to deal with today. We need to think carefully and draw deeply from the souls God gave us to come to an answer. To that end, I’m going to turn this portion of the meeting over to a very important Two, whom I’m sure you all know: Leoben Traveler.”

Applause broke out as a Two in a greenish printed shirt came to the podium and shook hands with TYTEOMMO #173. “Thank you, brothers. My name is Leoben of the Gemenon Traveler, the Second to Make Contact, for Whom She Prayed His Soul Be Saved. I’m here to get an important decision from our model on a terribly troubling question.” He paused and looked down, great pain and anxiety washing over his face. “I’ll be presenting you all with two different possible covers for our _Streams in Space Newsletter_ on which I’ll need you to vote. Our subject matter is, of course, what it is every month, but every picture is just as glorious and marvelously beautiful as the next.” He held up a large picture of Kara Thrace with short hair, in a blue uniform, posing in front of the Colonial flag. “Our Most Magnificent One is in this picture, obtained by a Five some time back, showing just one of her splendid qualities: her infinite loyalty. Isn’t she gracefully luminous?”

Murmurs of agreement and approval rose from the audience. One Two yelled, “So say we all!” and the entire room laughed and cheered with him at his clever, human-satirizing utterance.

Leoben Traveler smiled. “This is our other beautiful choice.” He held up another large picture of Kara, and in this apparently candid shot, she had longer hair and was smiling at someone or something. Traveler gazed at the photo for a moment in awe and simply whispered, “Radiant.” This time the sea of Twos broke out in wild applause that seemed to snap Traveler out of his reverie after a moment. “Yes, Our Most Magnificent One is truly wonderful. The second photo it is! Thank you, brothers.” The Leoben smiled while the audience continued to clap and cheer. “May you see her soon,” he recited and stepped off the stage.

“Okay, now we can move on to other less pressing matters,” the Two in black said upon his return to the podium. “Item two on the agenda is the discussing of a One’s stripping of the raiders’ minds and a Six’s subsequent dissent. We must choose a side to support.” He bowed his head and closed his eyes. “Let us pray. Great Master, guide us to a swift conclusion and make our waters to flow as one, our many tributaries to join as a single, powerful river. Give us strength to be a rushing rapids in our choice and a wave of righteousness to our Cylon family. Guide us, oh Lord, in knowing what Our Most Magnificent One would do. In her most divine name we pray, Amen.”

A Two in the audience stood after the prayer to be recognized. “Yes, Leoben of New Caprica, Captor and He Who is Blessed with Dying at Her Hands, we the Twos recognize your voice,” said the Two at the podium.

“Thank you, my brothers," he said with a humble smile. "We should not let the Ones continue to hurt the Raiders. God made them just as he made us, and we should cherish them as we cherish each other. They are like our best pets and guard dogs. Our Most Magnificent One, Kara, once told me she loved dogs. We must do as she would. Love the Raiders, and love Her.” He looked around at the nodding heads and spoke again. “All in favor of siding with the Sixes?” Every hand in the room went up.

“Agreed. Wonderful. Thank you Leoben of New Caprica. Your input is always most illuminating. We thank you for your words and for your sacrifices to Our Most Magnificent One.” The audience clapped again. Clearly this Leoben was well respected.

“Item three on our agenda is the reading of the Hybrid Watch report. Here to read his observations is TYTEOMMO #47, also known as Leoben of Ragnar, He Who Was Killed by Our Most Magnificent One’s Surrogate Father.”

A Two in tan cargo pants, a green  cargo vest, and two different pattern printed shirts stepped up onto the platform to scattered applause. “Hello brothers. I have a complete list and analysis of every pronouncement the basestar’s Hybrid made over the last week up on the Two’s posting board outside the dining area.” He cleared his throat and continued. “From what I’ve gathered, she has referenced a glowing white rabbit eleven times in conjunction with the words ‘trash’ and ‘foliage.’ I believe this can only mean that Our Most Magnificent One is near, possibly on a ship heading to Earth. We’ve seen her path and we know this eventual outcome to be true. I believe the Hybrid is giving us directions to her so that one of us might play our role in this part of the Magnificent One’s path. Our stream must merge with hers, and soon, if we are to find Earth.” At that, Ragnar Leoben abruptly turned and walked off the platform.

“Let’s all give him a round of applause for all his hard work,” said the Two in black as the audience clapped. “It looks like he’s off to glean more information from the Hybrid. What dedication!” Another Two approached the platform then and conferred softly for a moment with the Two in black before exiting the room in some haste.

“Um, okay, an emergency addendum will now be added to the agenda in light of the Hybrid Watch report.” The Two in black took a deep breath and spoke with a bit of a shake to his voice. “It seems one of our brother Twos has located a ship that he believes carries the Magnificent One!” The room erupted in exclamations and excited talk. “Our brother who has located her wishes to go and aid in her journey.” He raised his voice, trying to speak over the noise of the crowd, “But he is a TYTEOMMO.” Gasps sounded around the room, followed by excited murmurs. “Yes, we need to perform a hasty naming ceremony now so that our brother may get to Our Most Magnificent One as soon as possible. He will be brought before us momentarily to receive his name.”

^^^^^

Two minutes had passed and the room was still abuzz with the same voice talking excitedly or somberly or jealously, depending on which Two was speaking. The Two in black was pacing back and forth across the platform, his hand flying to cover his mouth and back down to his side every few seconds.

The door to the conference room opened suddenly then, and a Two dressed not so dissimilarly from Ragnar Leoben walked in between two Twos dressed in blue button up shirts and khaki pants. The podium had been removed and a chair had been set upon the platform, and this new Two was led to it and seated. A Two in a dark blue suit stepped onto the platform and stood behind the smiling seated Two.

“I am Leoben of Delphi, First Contact and He Who Brushed Our Most Magnificent One’s Arm in the Marketplace Before the Fall of Humanity.” No one clapped, no one even spoke, for he was a legend among his brothers. “On this day, we the Twos, brothers in the stream of life and God’s greatness and love, come to give you the name with which you will meet the One we’ve all dreamt about, the One whom we all aspire to encounter, the One whom we revere because we’ve seen Her path, have always seen Her wondrous path and will always be a part of Her most magnificent existence. We give you the name you will use for all the rest of your days in the stream, the name that tells all others you have seen the purest face of beauty and grace and love everlasting.” The Two behind the seated Two raised his hands above his head and the audience began humming a melancholy yet lovely melody.

“You are now called Leoben. Leoben of the Demetrius, for your role is to advance her destiny. You, Leoben, will meet Kara Thrace.”

^^^^^

Ten minutes later, after the new Leoben had gone to board a heavy Raider and the meeting concluded with a prayer, most of the Twos were still in the conference room shaking hands and giving the traditional departure words of “may you see her soon” before heading off to the pot luck. The Two in the red shiny shirt shook one last hand and left the room with a smile on his face.

Another brother had gotten a name. It was always a happy occasion, but there was also risk of some resentment, for every Two knew that not all of them would be able to meet Her one day, that their streams may veer away from Her’s. They had to trust that God had another plan for them. They had to find other reasons to swim in the waters of life. This Two, his red shirt drawing appreciative stares as he walked to the mess hall, smiled for a different reason: he had seen not only Kara’s path but his own, and very soon, he’d get his name too.

  
End.


End file.
